My thoughts exactly

this was brought to my attention by a friend who shares my particular interest in liberal/defiant films:
http://www.shoutwire.com/viewstory/12047/9_11_Staged_by_USA_Evidence

comments?

I think while the idea is legitimate, the creators need to clarify a bit more on key details like explosions in the buildings. they close in on a piece of debris falling right before the collapse of a tower. now what i specifically remember back then that was horrifying was people would jump out of the buildings because they had no way out. so, with the need of clarity of film at that aspect, they can not jump to conclusions (seems like a small detail, i know. but watch this film when you have time and you'll create some skepticism overall and this would just help). moving on, they also need to edit the film on the pentagon part a little clearer...altho i totally believe that no plane went thru, i feel i dont get a good overall view of the pentagon to solidify their judgement. lastly, this scared the shit out of me. watch this, then ask, what happen to all the people on the planes if there were none??? they die for no reason?

Current Mood: scared
Current Music: AFI - Miss Murder

ugh i hate what mystery man does to me...hopefully being off campus for a whole 8 months can make me forget about him, even though i sort of dont want to. Hes so pretty. and mysterious. *slap* ...cant believe i actually emailed him, what was i thinking? course he wouldnt reply. and im kicking myself for actually going up to his floor and well, knocking on his door and running. well i didnt knock, anu got annoyed of me. perhaps i should find a new muse. meh. ok dinner time.

Current Mood: crushed

you ever feel like you live a song? for instance, right now i am: "pardon me while i burst into flames. i've had enough of this world..." now i cant remember the rest...probably because i have had a drink...or two. and i must part soon because i have rounds to do at 12! yes that can only mean i am an RA...and that's why i'm still here at babson, of course drunk cuz theres no class tomorrow! why would there be...anyways, i feel like this song because this guy, "big" makes me want to disappear. even when i dont expect to see him, like he's supposed to be at senior week, he sees me when i am in all scrubs. yup, that's life. pardon me while i go up in flames. yup and i have had enough of this world. nah wait i take that back. i haven't, i love it, but i've had enough of him. either drop off the face of the earth...you, or approach me. ball's in ur court. "squash court!" and lets get this straight. im not a stalker. your my stalker. u are ALwAYS everywhere i am. *takes sip of pepsi/malibu mix* take that. SO i'm calling you out. you are rude to ignore an invitation, even if it's not well received. dont you have one shred of politeness and dignity!? AHHHHHH

so pardon me for my intensity. youve unknowingly trapped my intrigue.

i can only take this as an insult to me. you, if you have read past entries, know who i am. you can not stereotype me. you dont have the right to. i am mad at you, i dont even know you. so i can only take this neglegence, this rejection as an insult superficially. and now, i will never find the strength to approach a guy. i will never feel good about myself. thanks to you i won't find confidence. ya but somehow, since i am hopeful, this can all be changed! even by a little postit note.......go figure. i hate being me sometimes. AHHHHHh

Current Mood: drunk

Ok so this one isnt so ideological this time.

it's more of a look into myself.

i know i dont have any confidence. for me to make a move, with anything towards a guy, it's pretty big. say, a postit note on someones door... and it only hurts more when there's no reply, no gesture, no real rejection either. just nothing. nada. how nerve racking is that? so yes, i'm still hung up on this mystery man, who i will now define as "big" for those who watch sex and the city. to hear this guy as conservative, opinionated and a 'bad guy' is one thing for me to appreciate/deal with. another thing is to hear that hes stereotypical. he probably already has me pegged as a "blonde" girl...especially with the stigmas that sororities can have (even though babson's sororities are completely different from, say, SMU). unfortunately, i feel i can not break this. well, i don't have enough confidence to try. i know i have all these good things going for me but that's not enough to get me to approach someone. as a kid i have been made fun of for my weight, my skin, my clothes. even my mom is an influence of self consciousness.

this is what I am:
I am probably the only one in the sorority to watch fox news, cnbc, msnbc etc on a daily basis.
I have ambitions to go into investment banking. i really wana work at goldman sachs.
I am a swimmer, and am training to complete my first triathlon this summer. so i am a triathlete!
I have a mind for numbers and math, but a natural ability to play the bass and flute.
I can beat you up.
I am intuitive...we'll leave it at that.
I am from Seattle...so I love grunge but have a craving for dance music every once and a while...i have also been to ozzfest numerous times.
I have had black hair, blue hair, green hair, red hair, pink hair....
I am intelligent and willing to talk current events anytime.
You'll know when your on my bad side.
I don't take shit from anyone.
I am modest.
Lastly...I am tipsy for the time being! pardon my spelling...

this is what i'm not:
I'm no fluzy/airhead...
I'm not mentally "blonde."
I'm not easy.
I'm not confident.
I am not a few other things but I can't think of them. partially because I want to get this little stream of consciousness going.

Where's the bad?
not much but still i'm not my favorite person for my lack of confidence.  is it sad that i need affirmation from the male point of view to overcome this depressive feeling for the time being? ya it is, but it's the truth.

feel free to comment...anyone...at all, even if for some reason i dont know u :-)

Current Mood: blah

so i just had this conversation, while drunk mind you, with my ex about the immigration situation. i just decided to put it in my live journal for all those who enjoy it!

my thought is that they cant do anything about the problem of immigration. but is it even a problem? lets go over this...there are two solutions to this immigration thing...you decide:

1) if we legitimize them as citizens...once they are legal, they are no longer going to want below minimum wage. but this is going to create a demand for higher wages. this is because minimum wage is for jobs that dont require skill but also dont have experience. these immigrants have experience, so they are going to end up demanding higher pay. this will create minimum wage to increase because they are already the lowest of the low income. SO if this happens, businesses are not going to be able to cover this increase in costs. so they will have to lower our wages! no longer can we live in suburbia...nope, it will soon be the 'inner city' for us. this will do shit for us! i vote, NO

2) if we deport them...there will no longer be people willing to do the jobs we don't want to do. who wants to wash cars for only tips? who wants to buss in a restaurant, to flip burgers and mcdonalds? we're too smart for that...well most of us. so if we deport them, we loose our lower-income workforce. then we all move down, like in the first option.

my third, invisible option: don't do anything! we cant...
question, does this make me conservative?

anyways, its to my knowledge that congress is creating a bill that seems positive for the immigrants...but read the fine print...they are pretty much disqualified from becoming a citizen with all the rules/conditions that they have. so...we're keeping it the same! good job america.

Current Mood: drunk

if we legalize all the immigrants here, would they request higher pay?

Current Mood: gloomy

quick question i'd like to point out to iran...if their reasoning to create nuclear power is to bomb isreal, aren't they going to be affected by the bomb with the winds and weather patterns? let me know...i'm curious about this.

anyways, ive hit a depressive mode. i like this dude that i dont even know...well i do know him because i am a stalker, but what girl isnt now a days with facebook, etc. but we only know eachother because we see eachother SO often, cross eachother's paths and whatnot. and before, he would (i think) at least look at me...but now, after being so bold as to leave a postit note for him, i dont exist. now for all those reasonably minded people out there, i can hear you saying "but nothing is even established to worry about". well fuck u, because we had our stalker relationship. he was everywhere i was. it means something if i dreamt about him (randomly!) and saw him 5 times that day...with one time making him blush! why do i always get screwed? i really like him, correction, the idea of him. he is physically beautiful and i feel i can read who a person is through their face. (come on, you know a hockey meat head when you've seen them). but after that little token of embarrassment posted on his door, i feel hes passed judgement on me. perhaps because i'm not 'biso' enough for him (since he only has biso friends tho hes AMERICAN). perhaps i'm too 'sorority' girl, too blonde, too short, too muscley, too much ugly. see what this is doing to me! i'm just starting to gain confidence after dedicating myself whole heartedly to triathlon training. who else can flaunt their long, blonde hair? who else is cute-ly petite as me? who the fuck can pass me up when he is graduating soon, i'm going to be out of the country, and has no fucking girlfriend? apparently im not good enough to be approached, to be visited!

i just want my fucking day dream to come true.

god fucking damn my inherent behavior.

i need a tranquilizer, im guna get another anxiety attack.

Current Mood: distressed

I inherit my mom's curiousity in astrology on a superficial level. but there are some aspects to the pisces that really apply to me. i am defined as a dreamer. that i am hardly ever in the moment. which is sometimes SO true, especially when something bores me. though this goes even further. pisces also like to stay in that dream world and not make it a reality...hmm now some people reading this could be like "yup, ya, that's true".

for instance...theres a boy...duno anything about him. but i always, always see him and think he's cute. despite this inclination to want to see what he's like, i'd rather day dream about him. not in a stalker way but in a girlie way. i dont have enough confidence in myself to feel comfortable to approach someone i know nothing about, have never spoken to and never met. i also have had scarring experiences as a child where i was made fun of. somehow, i just cant get over it. if u kno who u are and are reading this, u evidently have my screen name so just IM me! lol what are the chances of that...

anyways, i will most likely remain in my elemental behavior, cuz no one likes change. despite the pain of regret.

AHH im going crazy.

Current Mood: nauseated

so war stories are on fox news again. and i just noticed that its being narrated by oliver north. does anyone remember oliver north? high school history classes... just think more conservative messages infusing into dumb people's minds. harsh, sorry. btw i still recommend the movie "why we fight". just recently came out in theaters...still time to see it!

to continue on with this whole war idea, i was actually watching fox news earlier today and they had a little bit on Iran. majority say whatever is going on with him is going to end up being fix diplomaticly. some others, end up in war. then some trailling people say a mix. i predict, with the pattern we're going in, is war. all of the monetary and economic point aside, why the hell would we go to war on iran? lets take a look at recent broadcasts on iran. ALL of them were on nuclear warfare! eh-hem, didn't we just find out that they have the fasted underwater bomb in the world? hey bush, good luck with that. let me know how it turns out, cuz hopefully ill be out of the country.

lets reiterate my point: war on terror in afghanistan> war in iraq> war in iran...

do i see a trend with the middle east? do we hate them or something? clearly they hate us. but im not one to judge.

with all this war in the middle east, how are our kids growing up with the view that middle east needs to be 'fixed' and all ths war is going on? more conservative minds are going to be molded.

WOW just noticed that i'm this liberal. seriously, stream of conciousness to make me look smart, honestly. i'm pretty laid back otherwise.

Current Mood: blah
Current Music: marilyn manson - the fight song

heyo, welcome again.

i have a craving for seattle life. an explanation of that would be summer concerts, dyed hair, total and complete rock w/ good bass lines and sing-along melodies. for example:

There's a shadow just behind me,
shrouding every step I take,
making every promise empty,
pointing every finger at me.
Waiting like a stalking butler,
who upon the finger rests.
Murder now the path called must we,
just because the son has come.
Jesus, won't you fucking whistle,
something but the past and done?
Why can't we not be sober?
Just want to start this over.
Why can't we drink forever?
I just want to start things over.

I am just a worthless liar.
I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you.
Trust in me and fall as well.
I will find a center in you.
I will chew it up and leave,
I will work to elevate you,
just enough to bring you down.
Mother Mary won't you whisper,
something but what's past and done.
Why can't we not be sober?
I just want to start this over.
Why can't we sleep forever?
I just want to start this over.

good stuff. looking forward to summer in seattle. ozzfest anyone? i know there's one person that'd like to go.

poll: dye my hair? underlayers black? red? brown? or none?

Current Mood: drained
Current Music: Tool>Undertow>Sober

heyo! i decided not to study for an exam in a class that i haven't read for, ever. well i've read the books but not the millions of articles.

alright so here's what pops into my head at 11:44:42PM this evening. i walk into my room, flip on channel 41...for those politicians out there, this is a liberal watching fox news. go figure. but here is how i define myself as a liberal:

i grew up living a modest life with a father earning a modest income and a mom staying home to play with me. i feel that i naturally fell into this point of view that democrats are superior to republicans. and honestly, for the longest time it was just a feeling. in high school, i had this class names "Society and War" taught by mr. keogh. it was quiet interesting having an irishman teach about american war and politics. but interesting enough when the only republican spoke in class, i was lost. in high school i didn't know much about politics, current events...etc. having full cable and access to everything now, i read the wall street journal, watch fox news, cnn, cnbc, etc. i feel more educated. so here is my thoughts:

why the hell is fox news having a new story about jill carroll every 5 minutes done by a different journalist? so repetitive...but then i dig deeper. lets get this straight for those of you who don't know, fox news is a conservative station. seeing as how bush's ratings are declining, and the support of the war is closely following, i think this is a good image for the war. yay! someone that has been long lost has now returned! a brave journalist, now returned in boston and is 'happy to feel alive again'. hmm coincidence? perhaps...but what kind of view do you have now after this uplifting story? that's one for the war, a gazillion for john kerry.

now i still have fox news on. and those curious as to what is on at 11:53:47PM, it's a special on war stories. for real? on fox news ? war, including one that was totally disgusted by the american public is now on the conservative news station while the war on iraq has not seen it's end? hmm, good publicity, that's two for the war.

who's seen the movie 'why we fight'? came out last week. good movie. from a liberal point of view, to some it up it was about how war is completely businessness driven. watch out for the military industrial complex. ya, that's right. a story they continued to weave in and out is one of an aged man that lost his son in the twin towers. he is a representative of the general public, which, in the movie, was proven that can be easily suaded to think that the war on terror = the war in iraq. and if any of you saw bush's address to this, he states that he makes no connection to the war on terror and the war in iraq. couple things stem off of this. he clearly states before the war starts (on my birthday btw), tha iraq/saddam has had a hand in 9/11. next...notice how it's the war in iraq...noting that it's not on iraq. that leads me to believe a civil war...you watch out. lastly, if you've noticed over the years, bush has drawn our attention from 9/11 to war on terror in afghanistan, then to the war in iraq...now you watch, it'll turn to iran. listen carefully to bush's direction...anyways i highly recommend the movie.

lastly...where the hell did this whole immigration stint come in? can anyone tell me?

Current Mood: awake

i spy with my little eye, something that begins with B. brat. there some mindless selfish people here. the world isn't yours. it's not your life, it's not our concern. stop talking to me about yourself, your good do-ings, your drunking school nights. i don't care who was staring at you. who made a pass at you. i don't care that you didn't do work because of another commitment. i don't care that you think you did crappy on an essay. cuz we all know your bullshitting.

it's these people that don't matter to me. it's them that i wonder 'where are you going in life'? if you have friends, why don't you remember them. friendship is not based on you talking about all-that-is-you. college is not high school. high school equal selfishness. college equals maturity.

STOP FUCKING TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF

Current Mood: annoyed
Current Music: benny benassi - california dreaming

Alright, I just want to say a few words in the comfort of my public journal.

The reasons for why I was upset, I have now gotten over and I'm mostly pleased with how the situation went. But here are new reasons why I'm pissed pertaining to this same subject:

-Whenever people tell me they were "too busy," I readily accept that as an excuse, not a reason. There is a difference. Funny how you are never too busy to do the things you really want to do, you know? I've used this excuse. And of course, you remember what's important to you.

-To be defensive and evasive in a matter concerning the feelings of someone else shows apathy, immaturity and self involvement. Whatever the person feels must have a legitimate reason for feeling that way. To disregard and discredit that for the protection of dignity and to save face is to show the value one has of that person.

-You forgot. And at first you claimed to remember.

Current Mood: aggravated

Today I don't feel so good about myself. I feel ugly. Hideous. Yes, I know I have a boyfriend, but I wish I could turn heads. God damn, I'm swimming 4 - 5 hours a day plus whatever else we do on top of that. I am faster in the pool, and I'm headed to my goal of 1:03 but despite this progress, I feel like shit. I'm pump to swim, and I can't wait for the next to swim meets, but I feel ugly and fat. Especially when a guy on my team touched my stomach and called it "fupa". If you don't know what that is, let's just say there's two connotations to that word that I both dislike very much. I wish it was the beginning of the year and I was too nervous to eat. Some parts of me wish I were bulimic just because I think to myself "I shouldn't have eaten that." Luckily I can't get myself to throw up.

Anyways. I want to go back to Florida. I didn't tan enough. And I want to swim more. I guess I haven't had enough. Whatever coach is doing is certainly whipping me into shape but not whipping the fat outa me.

Current Goal: 1:03.2 in 100 fly by NEWMACs and 8th place in prelims
Newly Added Goal: lose 10 pounds by NEWMACs

Current Mood: determined

Finally. Time to myself. I think I grow depressed even if I go one day without something to do or people to see. This weekend we have a break from swimming (a much deserved break) and already I’m lonely. Especially because hardly anyone is on campus.

I like swimming so much. In Florida, I didn’t have so much fun with the people with me but I enjoyed swimming in long course. There was this one practice that really damaged my shoulders though. I fear I need to make a trip to the doctors for some x-rays. Someone said “You can break my shoulders, but you can not break my pride!” I love the intensity of the swimming, but I think Coach is so clueless that this damage to our shoulders can set us out of the pool past champs. I felt better/faster once I got to Babson. Hopefully I get my 1:03.

I haven’t gotten a chance to reflect on some other things that happened in my life in the past few weeks. An episode with my ex made me realize a big difference between us. Perhaps this relationship should have lasted, or maybe ended sooner. But seeing Kevin like this makes me think that he really needs to hold on to something/someone. I felt and still feel that he honestly was/is in love with me. And after setting my foot into a different life, he’s a rarity. I’ve met some that can just go through the grieving process but successfully let go. Others build up a shield to block other meaningful relationships to pierce through. But Kevin seems he’s in a permanent state of vulnerability. Yet consider the factors: almost four years of a relationship, sudden breakup across the country, left for another. Now I seem like the ass. So it seems quite a bitch of me to do that, and I accept the responsibility of the pain I cause. But looking at how he is reacting to all this, I can accept no responsibility. I have no control over how he maintains his behaviors, and for that I shouldn’t be judged. Yes, I realize I caused a great deal of pain, but I can’t fix how he reacts to it. It seems he almost went to the extremes as a plea to get me back. And how he said it was a useless threat, well that made my respect for him go down. That’s a pretty lowly way to get to me.

Yet I can’t stop thinking about him. Caring for him. He was always good to me. We always had good laughs at life and human behavior (…especially when some kid fell in front of us at Barnes & Nobles). He was the first person I really got close to and knew me for me. We understood each other and knew each other so well. And we still do. I’m glad I’m able to come home and still call him up to hang out. But sometimes I feel like I’m on a guilt trip with him.

See, I feel like I’m growing up, accepting responsibility, getting past grudges and broadening horizons. But I feel Kevin can be very set in his ways. I don’t know, I just wish he’d let go to experience more to life. But maybe that’s just who he is. That’s alright, I guess. Maybe he’d have more fun living some place other that Washington.

...thoughts to be continued.

I need serenity.

Current Mood: okay

I haven't written in a while. I think it's because I don't have a muse to spark my interest. Eh, oh well. For some reason, I feel like writing now. I miss it. I feel like it's what makes me me. For those of you who believe in astrology, you may relate. A Pisces is supposed to have a nature ability to write. Though it wasn't seen in my last A&H paper I did. Ugh. Anyways…

I feel that coming to Babson made me vainer than I've ever been. The summer previous to freshman year, I'd hardly put on make up. Now I feel hideous without it. I feel fat too. I hate it. The first few months of college I lost a lot of weight, now I gain a few pounds back and I can really notice it. I think it's affected my swimming. And my mind-set might I add.

I can pinpoint two people that I've met in college that have made me obsessed about how I look. Two people…hmmm….who have I talked the most about in this journal thing…two people…who has had a big effect on me during college?...two people. Yes I'm sure you know who they are. You're ignorant if you don't!

One person, I don't talk to that often anymore. I wonder if he still thinks about me. I really feel that the comment he made that in 10 years he's going to look back at his life and remember me. Anyways, I'm doing mighty fine without his friendship. He's quite a pushy person and, if he's reading this right now, I'm sure he's laughing at my comments. "Silly girl" he might say. Though a comment like that shows how close-minded a person can be. Moving on…how he made me who I am now…I remember him saying "why don't you wear nail polish" and how his views of me changed a bit when he saw a purse that I owned (I guess it was feminine?). And also, I remember him saying I looked better with my hair down. Looking back at all this, he really affected me because now I do put make up on to look more feminine, I look at clothes that are more flirty than comfortable, I wear my hair down more often. Don't get me wrong, it isn't all for him. But with this, he unknowingly got this "I need to be feminine and petite to attract guys" drilled into my head. Please, dude, don't get offended by this, I'm not blaming you. I just hate how you made me start thinking like this. I HATE it. Now the stereotypical "Wellesley guy" comes to mind…

Moving on to guy number two…

This man is very close to me, shall we say. He's a person I never thought I would be with, or attain for that matter. He's on my good side, but he makes me feel jealous of every other woman/girl because I'm not her, or as pretty/thin/hot/athletic/fill-in-the-blank as she is. I know he looks at every girl that passes by, and I hate how he denies it, which is worse. Just accept it. And, I hate it when I hear him say "that chick is hot" to a friend. I can hear you! Jerk! This kind of stuff makes me worry about each and every flaw about myself. I hate my calves now because he once said that it looks like I'm missing a few inches. I hate my straight hair because he said he was attracted to anyone with curly hair. I hate this one Hispanic chick because he said he had been trying to get into her pants. I hate every single girl that walks by him! Especially in heals! I see where your eyes go; you can not hide from it. And, also, it doesn't help that much when you force yourself to look at my ass. It's not very nice; it's not up to your standards. I also don't really like how you watch porn all the time. These aren't real girls. And I feel like I have to be one of them. To fit a mold. And in my mind, I feel like it's for my own benefit to feel this way/be this way. Every time I walk outside with you I feel horrible about myself. I compare myself to every girl now. It didn't use to be this way! I was insecure about myself but I was secure with how I felt around my boyfriend at the time. You know, it's hard to eat healthy. Especially when he doesn't eat very well himself. And he's not the thinnest guy either. But I still don't look at other guys! I don't have the desire to. But I should. Just so he gets a taste of his own medicine, and then perhaps he'll stop his wondering eyes then. I feel that my little outbursts to him about this stuff are only a slap on the wrist to him. He appeases me but doesn't change his habits. Can you see that this is hurting me to the point that I will begin something drastic like an eating disorder or something? Do you not realize the effect of this sort of stuff on young female minds? I haven't even found myself yet and this stuff is already beaten into my head.

Am I supposed to feel this way or to think this way? This makes me kind of narrow minded and shallow doesn't it? Well look at the environment I'm around! How can I not think/act/feel this way? It may seem petty, but it's a problem. All I wish is to be happy. And I'm not. I feel that 15 pounds would make me happy. 15 pounds: the road block. 15 pounds. Only fifteen. How would my life change after 15 pounds? I'd feel more confident about myself. I'm sure I'd be faster in the water. I'd look better, feel better, be in better health. I wouldn't have to be in shame every time the doctor weighs me. Aren't all those a plus? So feeling this way I guess is sort of a drive to get what I want. Perhaps 15 pounds lost would make me prettier…more apt to keep a guy looking at me…maybe I'll get hit on for once. I wonder how that feels.

Please don't ask any questions. Or defend yourself. I don't need it. Or want it.

Current Mood: discontent

I had my own preconceptions of how the Thanksgiving week would go. Of course none of them actually happened. You could say I was disappointed with the whole weekend. A big factor of it was that I wasn’t actually home. Others returned to a place they grew up in. I came back to an unfamiliar apartment. I didn’t realize how much it would have an effect on me. But it did. Another disappointing aspect was the unwanted feelings returning as I went to my high school. I thought I would see a lot of people I wanted to see but even though I did, it didn’t bring the desired pleasure that was expected. I guess to some people, my absence wasn’t really missed. It was fine how my mom’s boyfriend came to pick me up with her and Kevin, but I really didn’t like how he slept over one of the nights I was here. Shit mom, it’s not like I’m home often. Plus going down to Oregon (pronounced OregEn) was not my idea of fun. Grandma isn’t to keen on her second generation so all I do is sit and listen to the “big people” talk. Oh boy. Thanks mom for taking me down to visit. The last thing I was disappointed about was how things between me and Kevin aren’t the same. I mean of course they wouldn’t be but we don’t talk as we did before. I think it’s me that made the awkward new silence between us. I feel that I have changed in a way, that now I realize that if I stayed with him, I would have been held back. I feel that I have grown so much and so different from being with him that I don’t think that I could appreciate a relationship between him and I anymore. Kevin is such a great person and I feel pained by his hurting. I truly and honestly feel I am at a different place than him in life, as cliché as that sounds. To make a metaphor out of it, I feel that I am just growing into shoes that were meant for me. Does that make sense?

Being away from Babson for a week has also had its benefits. I’ve appreciated the time apart from two particular men that has had a big influence in my life. One, “Jason”, has taught me, and I feel still in the process of, how to be more independent. And although I think his teachings are working, I feel that I am becoming more independent in a way that he doesn’t want. He basically pounds into my head how to grow as a person. He may not feel that I absorb it but I do. And I flourish in a way that he cannot see. Perhaps when it becomes visible to him, he won’t like it because it wouldn’t be in his favor. Please let it be known that I apologize for this and I mean no pain by this, “Jason”. I fear that how you help me may benefit me more than you. And well, it wouldn’t be right if it benefited you more.

The other guy that I’ve been apart from, “Larry”, I can’t wait to return to. I love the beginning of the relationship. Things are just exciting. Although it is mundane to always be sitting in his room while he does his homework, I’ll accept it, because what else can you do in college? It makes the out-of-the-ordinary stuff more fun.

I would now like to reflect on swimming. I returned to my old team this week. And I realized how one of my coaches of seven years really hurt my mentality. He plays with favoritism and perhaps he didn’t notice the potential in me. I always felt around him that I was a lost cause. With my new coach at school, I feel that he knows my potential and is really striving to make me be better. I got best times in some swims that I haven’t been able to cut time with in years. I’m just pleased and excited about my future in swimming. Perhaps the Olympics isn’t out of my reach.

Kevin, I want to say that the time we had together wasn’t a waste. I will hold our memories always in my heart. You are a person I could never forget. You taught me how to care for a person. And please don’t think that I do not care for you any more. You’re still in my heart. I’ll miss you randomly coming over and surprising me. I miss you always cooking chili. And I probably won’t be able to go to a concert without thinking about you, how you would hold my waist to stop me from falling into the pit. I loved how you cared for me so so much. Every little rose meant something to me. I hope you can realize that it’s both time for us to grow. We both need to accept what has happened and proceed on. I may miss you terribly, but it’s the grieving process. No one can be like you to me. You are a different caliber of men. I’ll miss that. Ah man I’m such a cry baby.

Current Mood: hungry

I think I'm getting more out of college than what was intended. I go to class, but what I learn in class is more about myself and life rather than comic form. I'm learning that the act of waiting is absurd, that we all wait for something good in our lives. We wait to have the perfect life in our eyes, the perfect spouse, job, whatever. I've also come to realize that it's you who makes life important and gives it its essense. Strive to find the meaning in your own life. Define its meaning. It's not preordained. You have the choice and the power to lead your life. You are welcomed to the occupation of your dreams. You are deserving of who you want to spend your life with. But then, step back for a second. With all this power, what if you make a mistake? That man of your dreams may be a nightmare down the road. This power of choice comes with its own price. How do you know what's best for you? How do you look into the future being blind of what's to come? Some of the greatness in life is actually waiting. You are excited for the end result but you're scared of it. What if it's not all that and more? What if the ending just takes a nose dive into the ground? The suspense of what will come is by far better than the waiting. You may dream up the man and perhaps he'll come 5 years from now, but you're scared of disappointment. In a sense, you don't want him to come. It's better to dream then be shot with reality. Anything in life is indefinate, where the only two absolutes are birth and death.

Looking at what I just stated, it seems that I've regressed to my old self and given reason for it. Then again, I don't know how I've progressed. I am blessed and cursed with choice.

Current Mood: pensive
Current Music: Muse: Hate this and I'll love you

"Where does it come from, the will to make yourself into something more than your endowment?"

My life right now is a coming of age story. It would be a best seller. For this is the truth: It's not so easy to get rid of your old self. On the other hand nothing stands still. All growth involves change, all change involves loss. So despite the people wanting me to make a decision and/or grow up, they are just going to have to wait. It takes time; my life isn't a "classical comedy" in which everything is romanticized and everything happens miraculously quick. Patience people!

To move on to something a little different. I received an email from someone back home. It pains me to see him go through all this shit I'm dishing out. And especially because, in a sense, I didn't realize he was receiving all this. I feel horrible. My actions do cause a lot of harm, and although I take responsibility, I don't know how to act from now on. I have three forces over me and it's hard for me to think for myself.

Current Mood: drained

Hmm...interesting day today. I hurt someone that was near and dear to me. And I'm thinking he's reading this right now. But I know I did something wrong. I should have told him upfront. But I guess I have my reasons for not telling upfront. I'm sure he doesn't care to know. But the odd thing was, he threatened me. "Do yourself a favor and don't come to [our dorm] tonight." hmm...what should I do? I mean he is basically placing control over me. And the trust that I broke was based on him controlling me! Alright here, he told me basically not to have sex. Hmm...why would I follow such a thing? He (it's "Jason" btw) expresses to me that "Larry" likes to exercise his control over me, while he is doing the same thing! What should I think of that??? Am I that much of a pushover? To be controlled that way? In a sense I want to appreciate my individuality but I care about how my actions affect other people. I don't want to be like a certain someone that I recently had a conflict with. So I'm torn. What should I do? I never want to step on peoples toes. I always want to please someone. But the person who recognized my individuality was/is asking of me something that he should have no control after. I'm trying so hard to turn a new leaf and be honest and I fuck up. Crap.

I'm in a meeting so I guess I should pay attention.

Current Mood: irate